I've never claimed to be a writer, but it's nice to have a place to put my thoughts down once in a while.



You know how throughout the Bible it talks about people tearing their clothes, wearing sackcloth and covering themselves in ashes? They did it to show grief, like Jacob when he thought poor Joseph was dead. Or for repentance, like the city of Nineveh when they realized they were sinning against God.

I never really understood why they felt they had to go to those extremes. But I kind of do tonight. I feel both grief and the need for repentance. I feel frustration and sadness at my ineptitude, my lack of ability to handle situations and to solve the problem facing me now. The problem isn't mine alone and I'll explain to the best of my abilities in a moment. But this feeling, this great sadness for what's happening, makes me feel like weeping, but that doesn't seem enough. I feel as if I could tear my clothing and sit in ashes, I feel so low.

I love my church family. They are truly wonderful people. But right now, it seems as if there is a lot of bitterness and a general feeling of unrest among us. Things happen, they always do. I've always seemed to be able to hang on and trust God to pull us through. But right now, I'm so spiritually tired, so empty, it is hard to hang on. So many of the people I love are not themselves. Including me. I'm not leaving myself out of this. I don't know if it's because we've all become spiritually empty, or tired, but it seems as if we are allowing satan to work his way into our family. We've lost sight of our purpose. We're floundering around not knowing what we're doing or where we're going. We've lost our focus. And it's causing hurt feelings, bitterness, pride, gossip, and yes, even hatefulness to creep in where love should be. What's made things worse, is that one of my closest friends has decided to leave our fellowship. My heart is sick that things have gotten to that point, that I may have been able to do something to help the situation before it did get to this point. I wish her well, and pray that we will one day worship together again, will one day work together for the Lord.

Oh, Lord. You know what's in my heart. I'm not able to express in these words what is causing this feeling of despair. But you know. You know what is happening. You see where we've turned wrong, where we've gotten off the path You set before us. Father, I pray for your guidance, for strength to persevere. It is in the hard times that You shine. No one else can help us. Only You can control what's before us. Lord, please forgive me for the bitterness I've begun to harbor, for being judgmental, unforgiving and harsh. Please forgive my apathy. I've lost my passion for You, for the task You have given me. Lord, renew me, refresh this weak sinner. Please set my heart back on track and supply me with the will and energy to carry on, to help guide my church family back to Your path.


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